


I Was Never Looking For Approval From Anyone (But You)

by roxashasboxers



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Angst, But so is everyone else, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hank is insecure, Hurt!Alex, M/M, Nighttime Confessions, Original Character Death(s), Originally Posted on LiveJournal, X-Men First Class Kink Meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-16
Updated: 2011-06-16
Packaged: 2017-12-09 11:07:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/773507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roxashasboxers/pseuds/roxashasboxers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by a prompt from the X-Men: First Class Kink Meme: I'd love to see some Alex H/C. It can be gen, it can involve a pairing (Hank, Sean, Darwin, Raven, I'm not really picky), but I just want to see him hurt in some way.</p><p> </p><p>Or, more specifically, Alex and Hank end up as roommates and have a revealing late-night conversation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Was Never Looking For Approval From Anyone (But You)

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the song "I'm Not Dead" by P!nk.

"Why do we have to share? There's enough space for us each to have our own rooms!" Alex argues, and though he has a point - it is a mansion, after all - Hank can't help but be a little bit hurt that Alex doesn't want to be his roommate. He'd thought that losing Angel and Darwin would have brought everyone closer, but maybe that's not enough. Maybe he and Alex really are too different to be friends. They can barely keep from snapping when they're in the same room together.  
  
Still, logical or not, Alex's persistence kind of hurts.  
  
"Alex, you don't understand. We may have room now, but soon there are going to be more children like yourself in need of a safe place to stay. I cannot afford to waste any space. I'm sorry if this isn't ideal, but we all have to make sacrifices." Charles admonishes, and Hank sees Alex slump in his chair, defeated.  
  
He quickly retreats before somebody notices him.  
  


* * *

  
Hank is flipping through a folder of papers when Alex comes into their shared room. He's hanging from the top bunk by his feet, lab coat tossed aside for the time being.  
  
"Whatcha' up to, Bozo?" Alex asks as he enters the room, startling the brunette from his perch. Hank flails but manages to land neatly on his feet. He fixes his glasses and gathers the notes that have fallen, pointedly ignoring Alex's smirk.  
  
Hank shrugs, "Reading, actually. Charles wanted to get my opinion on a few things. It's fascinating, some of the theories he has about human evolution. He's compiled so much information regarding out mutations. I hadn't even known he was studying us..." He trails off in amazement. The feeling dies a bit upon noticing the bored expression on Alex's face.   
  
Hank closes the folder, papers tucked safely within and hops up to his bed. He tucks his feet underneath him out of habit and sighs, "You don't like me very much, do you, Alex?"  
  
Alex snorts, "I don't like  _people_ very much, McCoy."  
  
Hank frowns, "It's Hank."  
  
Alex rolls his eyes, ducking into his bunk, "Whatever you say, Bigfoot."  
  


* * *

  
Hank knows it shouldn't bother him, that Alex doesn't like him. It's nothing personal. Alex admitted it himself - he's just not a people person. But it still bugs him that his roommate refuses to even call him by his first name. In fact, it bothers him until nearly midnight, when he finally manages to fall asleep.  
  
Said sleep is short-lived, as Hank awakens suddenly only a few hours later. He waits, lying on his back in the darkness, trying to figure out what disturbed his sleep. A soft whistle breaks the quiet and Hank sits up. He reaches a foot over the edge of the bed to retrieve his glasses before investigating further.  
  
A moment's wait tells him the source of the noise is nearby; below him, actually. Hank very carefully peeks over the edge of his bed and down into Alex's.  
  
The blond has his pillow clutched firmly to his chest, and he's breathing hard, eyes shut tight. Hank drops down to the floor silently, unsure of what to do. Alex is asleep, but Hank doubts he's getting any rest. He can practically feel the waves of anxiety pouring forth from the other boy.  
  
Hank reaches out hesitantly, but pulls back before he makes contact with Alex. He's not sure it'd be the safest option to wake a human laser beam from a nightmare. He briefly considers getting Charles but decides against it. The telepath has enough concerns right now.  
  
So then he's left standing over Alex in a totally not creepy way, trying to think of what to do. Hank nearly pisses himself when Alex mumbles something angrily.  
  
Hank waits a moment, breath held because he  _doesn't know what to do_. It seems cruel to let Alex sleep through whatever nightmare is plaguing him, but he's kind of terrified of the blond's reaction if he does wake him.  
  
Hank glances around the room, waiting for inspiration to strike. He spots one of Alex's socks on the floor and picks it up - with as little contact as possible because  _ew_ , they've only been living in the mansion for a day, how is their room already this messy and how did he not notice it until now? He quietly exits the room and with as much accuracy as he can muster and an errant prayer, Hank tosses the balled up sock in Alex's direction.  
  
Alex jerks awake and Hank considers it a win when lasers don't immediately destroy the wall between them. He peeks around the doorway cautiously, "Alex?"  
  
Alex starts, head turning, "Shit, Hank... What the hell are you doing over there?"  
  
Hank enters the room as casually as he can manage, "Uh, you were having a nightmare. I didn't want to, you know." He rubs at his neck awkwardly.  
  
Alex frowns, voice soft, "Yeah, I know."  
  
Hank steps closer, "You want to talk about it?"  
  
Alex shakes his head, and his voice sounds off, "No, not really."  
  
Hank nods after a beat, "Um, okay."  
  
He hops back up onto the top bunk after folding his glasses neatly and setting them on the bedside table, "Good night then."  
  
Hank crawls back under the covers, sighing at their warmth. He can hear rustling down below and before he can stop himself, he addresses Alex again, "Is this why you didn't want to share a room with me?"  
  
Alex pauses and Hank can imagine him furrowing his eyebrows, "Who said I didn't want to share a room with you?"  
  
"Well, do you?" Hank asks, dodging the question, because admitting he was spying would actually give Alex a reason to dislike him, and that's kind of counter-productive on the 'get my roommate to not hate my guts' agenda.  
  
Alex sighs, "I have nightmares sometimes. No big deal. Just didn't want everyone to know." And Hank is in no way thrilled to find that Alex is capable of embarrassment. Really, he's not.  
  
"I'm not everyone, Alex."  
  
Alex snorts a laugh, "You mean to tell me you won't blab to the whole mansion about me being a total pussy?"  
  
Hank winces at Alex's obscene choice of words, but doesn't comment on it, "Why would I do that?"  
  
Alex huffs a laugh, "Because I'm a total asshole to you. Are you honestly telling me you wouldn't?"  
  
"Yeah, actually. I am. I'd never do that to you, even if you do deserve it sometimes." Hank answers.  
  
"Oh." Alex says quietly, and he actually sounds surprised. Hank wants to ask what had ever given Alex the impression that he was the type to seek vengeance when Alex speaks, "They're memories."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"The nightmares," Alex clarifies, "They're memories. Sometimes they're different then what really happened but they're still, you know..."  
  
"Real." Hank supplies and he can imagine Alex nodding.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"So what kind of memories?" Hank ventures after a brief pause. He's not expecting an answer, nothing specific at least, and is more than a little surprised that Alex opens up.  
  
"Sometimes it's discovering my powers. Hurting people, mostly. Prison, too." Alex pauses as if lost in his past, "You have to cause a lot of trouble to get in solitary. I had to get in a lot of fights. People didn't like me much."  
  
Hank purses his lips, "Wait, so you... did that on purpose?"  
  
"Yeah. Prison's not exactly the kind of place where people will give you space. I just... I didn't want to hurt anyone."  
  
"...So you beat people up?"  
  
Hank hears Alex sigh and he's sure the other teen is rolling his eyes, "There's a difference between getting punched in the face and getting set on fire. Most people will pick the first one."  
  
Hank blushes, "Right."  
  
"And I didn't beat them up. In fact, I usually got me ass handed to me. There's no such thing as a fair fight when you're the new guy." Alex admits regretfully.  
  
Hank makes a thoughtful noise.  
  
"The first one was an accident. I don't even know what I did, but this guy pulled a knife on me and I freaked out. I blasted him." Alex's voice starts to shake with his confession, "I almost killed him."  
  
Hank swallows hard to get his bearings, "Is that what you were dreaming about?"  
  
Alex is quiet for a moment, long enough for Hank to think he's pushed too far, asked too much. Then, "Yeah. 'Cept in the dreams... I actually kill him. And then his family comes to get his body but there's nothing to take." A tear slips down Alex's cheek. "And sometimes I don't stop there. I just keep going until everything is on fire and everyone is dead. And then I'm alone in the middle of it all."  
  
Hank shuts his eyes tightly. He's glad they can't see each other right now, because he's not sure he could handle seeing Alex break when hearing him is already making his gut twist. Alex eventually breaks the tension with a broken laugh, "Wow. I uh, I've never told anyone that before."  
  
He pauses, "You probably think I'm pretty fucked up, huh?"  
  
"No." Hank answers, "Well, yeah, but not because of any of that."  
  
Alex snorts, "Thanks."  
  
Hank chuckles.  
  
"What'd you do anyway?" He asks.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"To, you know, go to jail. What'd you do?"  
  
"Do you really want to know?" Alex asks, and the warning tone in his voice makes Hank think that no, he doesn't want to know, but he can't back out now, not when him and Alex are finally acting civil towards one another, not when he's finally getting to know the other teen.  
  
"Y-yeah. I do." And Hank feels slightly victorious that his voice only cracks once.  
  
"It was a year ago. When my powers first started. I didn't know about them, I hadn't... They just showed up one day and Kyle was caught in the crossfire. We were just talking and then he was on the ground and I- I looked down and I'd cut off his hand." Alex's voice breaks and Hank feels sick, "I didn't even know what happened and when I tried to help him he yelled at me to go away, so I ran. I didn't know what else to do. I panicked. He turned me in, said I attacked him, but I swear I didn't mean to, I didn't even know it was me!"  
  
Alex is crying freely now and Hank feels a few tears of his own spill over. He takes a deep breath before asking, because he thinks it's important, "Who was he?"  
  
"My boyfriend." Alex answers, and he's waiting for Hank's reaction but the brunette is stunned because this whole time he'd thought that Alex had a thing for Raven and that was why he was always such a jerk to Hank and now he has to rethink every theory he'd ever had about the blond, so excuse him if he doesn't answer right away and when he finally does, it's nothing to be impressed by.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"I didn't- I mean I thought you- I hadn't... So you're gay?" Hank's never claimed to be good with words. This is why.  
  
Alex laughs nervously, "Yeah."  
  
"I didn't mean- I'm not like, y'know, I just... That sucks."  
  
Alex doesn't laugh this time, but Hank hears him shift, "Yeah. It does... Hank?"  
  
"Mm-hmm?"  
  
"I'm sorry I'm such a dick to you. I just... people get hurt around me. I'm dangerous."  
  
Hank bites his lip, unsure what to say, because as much as he appreciates the apology, 'thank you' doesn't seem appropriate, and 'it's okay' doesn't seem much better.  
  
"Alex, what happened with your- with Kyle" He amends, "was an accident. And the other one, it's just a dream."  
  
"Darwin wasn't a dream." Alex whispers and Hank sits up, startled.  
  
"What are you talking about?  _Shaw_  killed Darwin." He corrects, hopping down so he's looking at Alex.  
  
The blond shakes his head, "With my energy. It's my fault he's dead.  _I_  killed him."  
  
Hank bristles, "It wasn't your fault."  
  
"But-"  
  
"No." Hank cuts him off, sitting down beside Alex and taking the blond by the shoulders, "Alex, look at me. It wasn't your fault. There was no way you could've known what was going to happen. None of us did. It was an _accident_."  
  
"Everything I do is an accident." Alex whispers and there is so much self-loathing in that single sentence alone that Hank feels his eyes watering again.  
  
He shakes his head, "That's not true, Alex."  
  
"People get hurt around me. Darwin  _died._ "  
  
"Alex-"  
  
"No, Hank. You don't  _get it._  You're a freak, yeah. Your feet weird people out, okay. But you're not dangerous! People don't have to fear for their lives around you!" Alex snaps angrily.  
  
"Look at me. Alex? Look at me." Hank asks, squeezing Alex's shoulders and begging the other boy to meet his eyes. He does and Hank continues, "I'm here right now. And I'm not afraid of you."  
  
Alex sniffles, "You should be."  
  
"But I'm not. I know you won't hurt me."  
  
Alex shakes his head, "You don't know that."  
  
"Fine. Will you hurt me?" Hank asks.  
  
"Not on purpose, no, but-"  
  
"No 'but's. You just said it yourself: you won't hurt me." Hank assures, rubbing Alex's shoulders, " _You won't hurt me._ "  
  
Alex leans into Hank's touch, a broken sound escaping him and Hank scoots forward, allowing Alex to burrow in his arms, "Shh. It's okay, Alex. You won't hurt me. You won't hurt me, I promise."  
  
Hank repeats the mantra until Alex falls asleep and to prove his point, Hank settles down right beside him.  
  
  



End file.
